The day I wrote my last blog

The day I wrote my last blog post, I sat down at a table for one and ordered a plateful of mussels and a glass of champagne. Maybe people would think I was the wife of some sugar daddy, entertaining herself during his working days by immersing herself in café society and writing poetry.
But if they looked closer, they may have seen the pen ripping through crumpled paper that's the back of a printed-out boarding pass and an altogether less together air.

I had thought about just abandoning the blog. My days as an imposter were as true as I'd feared, and numbered. But then, I got an update from Twitter via text. I had a follower, who had re-tweeted my post. And another one, and then a message of support.
I was upset I could no longer belong to the parental blogging sphere I had started off so bitterly slating, but where I'd actually found solace and a voice.
I decided to scratch the itch and sign off with one last ranting and raving note. The tearing paper, coupled with the champagne bubbles, made me feel slightly better too.

A while ago that I logged into my Facebook account and saw a message from someone I didn't know.
It was entitled “Matt” and the author claimed to be Lizzie's, recently ex, boyfriend.
It included the lines: “They've been f*cking around since September. He's been f*cking her every time he's come to pick up Isobel. At least now I know why she wouldn't let me be there when he came and why he'd started to come up in the week too.”

Matt was away with friends. I text him the message in its entirety. “Absolute nonsense.” was his reply.

The following day, I realised how blessed I am to have such good friends. She made me ring Lizzie and ask for proof. And Lizzie gleefully obliged.
I could tell you how I felt, how the air left my lungs, cold pins pricked in my face and the two sides of my empty stomach beat together.
But I'll show you too, so you can feel it for yourself.

Matt: I don't know. Have denied it.
Lizzie: I'm so mad! Cant believe what he's done! Don't think he'd have done it if it wasn't you but not nice when they cheat with an ex I suppose.
Matt: Yeah suppose. Especially as we have Isobel. Like worst thing.

Matt: Shame we f*ck so good innit really.
Lizzie: Aye
Matt: Oh well if she does dump me...
Lizzie: If she dumps you what?
Matt: Get hotel and do what we got in trouble for properly.
Lizzie: Your remorse is touching...

He didn't try to deny it again.

The waiter in the posh restaurant in the strange city didn't seem fooled. He was kind, if a bit patronising, when he interrupted my furiously scraping pen to ask if Ma'am would like another glass of champagne.

Who is this so callous person?
I'd often wondered if he'd be unfaithful – can leopards really change their spots?
But with Lizzie! Is he mental?
He hates her. She tried to ruin his life. She's tried to ruin Isobel's life with her scheming before the poor thing was even born.
Was any of that even true? Or was all that too a lie? Is this some elaborate conspiracy to take the piss out of the “nice little girl” he said he found so endearing? Was it for my good credit rating so he could talk me into getting the telly that I'd said was too extravagant?
Who is he?
Why talk about marriage and family when he had an arrangement that put him under no pressure to commit? Why make me a part of Isobel's life to the depth he had done?
They're as crazy as each other. And I no longer have any idea who the hell he is.

By the time he'd raced home, the flat was practically empty. No over-sized television, Blue-Ray player or X-Box, no full crate of Sunday Times Wine Club Big Reds, no currency for the holiday we were supposed to depart for the following day, and no printer to print off his boarding pass.
I was afraid he might go mental and even moved the kitchen knives.

I know nothing about this person any more. I can't put myself in his shoes and understand the logic behind this. The only possible explanation is that everything has been a lie and he has been the imposter the whole time.



That was not my last blog post. It's not the end of the story and Matt didn't leave at the end of the month, taking Isobel out of my life forever. Fortunately, maybe hopefully, maybe misguidedly, I remain an imposter. I'll let you know how it goes.